It was an amazing week! The temps were in the high 70's-80's. Hard to believe it is autumn. The cruise across the big lake could not have been more perfect. It did seem however like Faye, Jean, and Betty ran out of red paint, for on the way home there were no red tree's just everything in between. Just gorgeous!!!

 

All of us as we go through life's' day's can have a zillion thoughts. It can start as innocently as being in line for that first cup of coffee before getting to the office. Then you see someone that reminds you of you, but then, not quite. Maybe it's the you that you wanted to be. You started out to BE but for whatever reason you took a different turn. Not a wrong turn but a different turn. And your thought flow for the rest of the day goes from there. Building on each thought all day long until. POP! Something or someone brings you back to another reality. Work reality? Parental reality? Spousal, home owner reality, etc.

You gotta do this or that. You run down that list of things "to do" periodically throughout your day . More thought redirection. And then you get side tracked by the things you WANT to do before the day is over. And on and on it goes. It's what we do. How we live.

When I was diagnosed with cancer my thoughts changed forever. I will never think the same again as nothing in my life will ever be the same again. Nothing. And It's not like I had a choice. The interests I used to have are no longer important. It's not an issue of mortality. The reason I am not looking forward to my spring seed catalogs is not because I may not be here, it's just not important. Not a priority.

My thoughts go in very different places now. I do not dream about the same things, or wish about the same things or fantasizing about the same stuff. I don't even dream. How do you go about dreaming or planning ahead? And even if you did, who do include in those dreams and what gives you the right to do so?
Or are you being irresponsible in not planning for the future and putting your life on hold?

It is naturally very reflective. I think of where I have been, who got me here, and the person I have become. What else is there to do and how to do it.
Being seriously ill becomes extremely "self absorbing."[a buzz phrase these days],weather you want it to be or not. Its like the astrocytoma itself. It reaches out to you like a spider and draws you into its web. Your constantly thinking of your health issues. Are you following your doctors orders. Are they "good" and qualified. Should you be going elsewhere(a brain tumor center, cancer center) People throw alternative approaches to you. Should you be doing that as well. The health stuff goes on and on. You have a minor ache here or there. Is it the tumor growing back, is it a new one. Are you losing your mind (so to speak) Are you giving it (the battle) your best shot? Or is just the act of fighting the disease an act of denial of which you are wasting time, energy and dragging others through something that may not have your emotional stamina? Do you look like a fool? Are you one?

You think of relationships always. How can you make this easier on those you care about. Those that are important. Now there are some people that are around me that are so supportive and generous in such support. And others, that no matter what you say already have you dead and gone. What I wonder is my responsibility to them? They don't care any less about me its just their nature to be negative. And there are those that once were so close to you that now they just can not bear to be around you. Is it my responsibility to reach out to them and make it easier for them?

Then there is the List of Things to Do if your actually not going to be hanging around. The list to wind up life. I remember one close friend of mine having brain cancer and being told she had 6 months to live. She and her husband were in the process of divorcing and he decided to stick around. She refused all contact with everyone and they sought out alternative medication in Mexico. After she died there were all kinds of rumors about how she "left her affairs unattended" and how irresponsible that was. HUH??? Can't say it would be at the top of my priorities either, but rest assured it's all taken care of!!! Goodness!
Of course well meaning folks who have no idea what my state of health is, or prognosis, are always making suggestions of what I should be doing. As a Therapist, I have a rule with clients...No woulds, should or coulds. Nope not good.

I am aware that on that day of my DX and my thoughts/life changing, that the same thing happened to my husband. His life changed forever and will never be the same. His processing is similar yet so different. Our marriage has never really been tested. Not even with our "adoption from Hell". Unlike most parents faced with such a daunting challenge we were always on the same page. Always in agreement. And when we were lost and confused we were together. But now, even though the enemy is the same it is attacking us both different and I am not sure how we will weather this.

So, each of these thoughts can take me a zillion different places. Just like yours. Just like mine used to be. And just like mine will never be again, no longer how sick or well I get.

I am finally gonna go play for the week and I surely hope my brain is thought free.

 

the silver lining of a seizure!!

well, I really do not feel like writing, but since my dh has invaded my journal by telling of such an obnoxious occurrence I suppose I must comment
The best part of being back in the hospital was the pre-heated blankets that arrived in my private little hospital room! Waaaay Cool!
But lets get to the silver lining.... The whole thing reminded me of the time I went to a Therapists Convention in Minneapolis. And may I say what a beautiful, big city it is!!!! I really enjoyed it. I was there in October. Anyway, I was with a small group from MSU, where I was getting my MSW. I am surprised my In Laws are not more familiar with it as it is also known as "Moo U" . It's where you go to learn to be a Farmer.
So at the end of the convention day our small group of about 5 ladies and 8 men were looking for a place for dinner. We walked down the friendly streets of the city and finally asked some folks if they could recommend a good place for dinner that also served drinks. We were pointed down the street a bit and told it was Ladies night so there would be lots of specials. Off we went. Now keep in mind these are all people who do not know each other.
We got to the restraunt and it was explained that the ladies were going to be treated to dinner and an Autumn fashion show. The guys would have to go up stairs in the loft and eat though they could watch the fashion show from above. Fine no biggie. They went their way and we got a table. It was very nice. Great decorations. We ordered and got drinks and the show started. We all enjoyed the fashions. Some career stuff, etc. The guys from above seemed to be enjoying the models and company. Now this all came to mind as the ambulance guys came storming into my bedroom!!!
All of a sudden the girls left the stage, the music changed and guys dressed like cops, firemen, and who knows what came running out and promptly started shedding their clothes They even jumped on our dinner table! Meanwhile, upstairs, our companions thought they should get us out of there, but were not allowed to enter that area! It was pretty dog gone funny! We had women of various ages at our table and I vaguely remember one jumping on the table as well while a much older women just sat with her jaw dropped.

I keep finding things that amaze me. The fact that 3 paramedics and the two ambulance attendants with all of their medical stuff being in my bedroom at 8 o'clock in the morning, as I am coming out of the seizure, (and thankfully in my pj's) would trigger such a memory video to play while I am being transported to the ER, is something else!!!!
Soooo, those are my silver linings!!!

 

Thursday the 25th of September:

Dear Husband Writing Today

This is Larry, Beth's DH and I am making an entry for her this day. I do read her words from time to time, but I have maintained a "hands off" approach to this "journal in space"....I like and enjoy, that it is "All Beth" and that the Light that flows from her words is totally all her Illumination shining for all to read and feel.

Beth asked me today if I could write about the Event that put her in the Hospital on Tuesday.....So This is.... What these words from me are about in this entry.

Let me take you back to Thursday and Friday of last week....Beth had a slight twitch (for lack of a better word) in her left arm...it only lasted a second and happened after she was doing some cleaning and sorting in her Design and Painting room. At the time, she thought it was just from using some muscles that had been dormant for awhile.

On Monday of this week, She had a small but significant seizure in her left arm. The seizure last about 40 seconds....With a steady full pulsing contractions of the muscles in her entire left arm.

I called her Doctor'S right after it abated...After much discussion, the plan was for blood work in the morning and a change in the dosage of her Dilantin...For you who read this with a need for details...Beth takes 200MG bid of Dilantin for seizure control.

Tuesday Morning Beth had just awoke and was returning to the bedroom after a walk to the bathroom. She had about a 2 second warning that a seizure was starting again in her left arm. In that 2 seconds....I was able to direct her into getting back in the bed as the seizure started. It was like the one on Monday for about 30 seconds....The it started to intensify and travel to the rest of her body. It was a Grand Mall Seizure. By this time one minute had passed and I was calling 911 as I was also doing what I could to calm Beth and mentally do my check list of what else to do.

We have a bedside clock that allowed me to keep track of the time....At the 90 second point the seizure kept building and now it engulfed he face, neck and jaw.
Her entire body was in full pulsing contractions...And it just kept on going...much like that energizer rabbit...it kept going....and going......I look at the clock 3 minute and it kept going.......4 minutes and it kept going....I can hear the sirens of the EMS from our local Fire Dept....Thank you guys...fast arrival.....5 minutes and they are outside the house and the seizure starts to ebb.......The ambulance is also arriving at the same time.

They come in....Beth is still conscious....but she cannot move her left side. They get her on the gurney and take her to the ER at Munson Medical Center.

Those are the facts....I have kept any emotional dialog out of the description of the seizure.....However the emotional story is HUGE for both Beth and I. Lifetimes were encompassed in those 5 minutes....Beth will have to share her emotional story from her heart.....I will try and share just a snippet from mine with you.

What I am always aware of as both "Primary Care Giver" and "Dear Husband" that for me ...This is all about Beth! That is my focus...That is my devotion. When the seizure started I went into my "Doc" mode.....(learned long ago as a combat Medic with the Marines in Vietnam) Beth was my "patient" and I did everything I could to face the seizure with Calm and Rational Thought.....No room for panic or personal emotions during this storm. I did what I could to protect her from herself and any possible injury. I talked in a calm and reassuring voice the entire time with the only exception of when I was placing the 911 call...I maintained my calm but I did raise the level of concern and volume while making my point. What I really remember was how the "clock" seemed to be moving like a vw microbus against a 60mph head wind......Yet the roar of her seizure was like that of a sonic boom. It is the only way I can describe the contrast of realities.

I do not think I have fully decompressed from this event yet....It might take some time. The next 36 hours at the hospital were sort of filled with different levels of anxiety...and more things unknown.

Beth is doing fine right now. She is still very tired and exhausted...but that is also do to the fact, that she is on day four (of five) of her chemo-cycle. After she takes her Chemo tonight (280 MG of Temodar) she does not taker it again for 21 days.

I am taking her for blood work first thing in the morning for both a WBC and blood levels for both dilantin and the new medication of Trileptal which she takes 300 MG bid.

Hopefully over the next week, Beth will spring back and the quality of life will also improve. We are planning a short trip back to Wisconsin...Hopefully on Monday the 6th of October....with a cruise over Lake Michigan from Ludington to Manitowoc...on the new car ferry service.

So I hope that I have shared what Beth wanted me to say....She is an Amazing Woman~she is so full of Light.....She is my sun and moon and all the stars I ever see at night. I also want to thank all who stop by to read her words and thoughts. ..........~~~~Namaste'...~Larry~

 

Plum pooped out!

Too tired to write. Maybe later today or tomorrow. Just back from a lovely stay at the Spa El Munson Hospital.

 

Just some bits and pieces this morning....

My mom made this big deal out of making a date with her last Friday to go on an adventure with her. Now an adventure with my mom usually includes at least one dirt road. However, I did get suspicious when I asked her what I should wear and she told me "clean underwear".
To make a long story and afternoon short some of her friends gave her scads of money to spend on me. I had done some work (painting) for them earlier in the summer and refused payment. When they insisted, I suggested a trade..a baby buffalo. I thought that was creative. They own the local buffalo herd, instead they gave my mom a blank check and said "go spend this on bethanne".

erg! I appreciate their generosity, but am not comfortable with this kinda stuff. So The Barb Machine proceeds to take me on a girly shopping spree. I really tried to be a good girl. I am just not a shopper and to go with my mom is even more challenging. You know this kinda stuff is just really hard for me now. I hate to spend money. I hate to spend it on myself and I hate to use the word "hate" Its a bad word. We don't use that word in our house. It all seems so meaningless now. So frivolous.
Anyway, I let her jaunt me around and pick out stuff she liked. When we were done, I guess there was still a lot of $$$ left so I suggested going to Victorias Secret one of my favorite stores and one she is not familiar with. I did have some outrageous fun in there where she did a lot of eye rolling.

After all that damage I thought the day was over, but NOT. She then dragged me out to the casino, thinking I had never been. Actually, Larry and I had gone for his birthday earlier in the summer.(BT) It was at that time, shall we say, a short visit. But I let Barb think I knew nothing and let her show me the ropes and teach me all she knows about the fine art of gambling. I just find all the people amazing, forget the gambling. Anyway, by the end of the night I won $2.95 and she won $50.00. Wacka!!! I don't plan on going back often. Oh, and she had also won first place in a golf tournament and the prize was dinner for two, so we closed the night with prime rib. Sadly, I could not taste it...but knew Larry would love it. So he had a fine treat on Sunday watching the Pack slaughter the Lions. I think he won a buck off of that from my mom.

Yesterday, I attempted to "join in" and be a "good patient" by attending a cancer support group. Yipes. I have moderated MANYsupport groups so I promised upon introducing myself I would be a good girl. 4 people showed up. One man was 70 years old and his 49 year old wife had uterine cancer. She was quite depressed and he was beside himself. The other two were married and had between them about 6 different kinds of cancer including Brain. They were in their 70's and on their way south for the winter so. not sure about how that is all going to pan out but at least I tried.
A Beautiful Day here ...a glorious blue sky!!!

 

BUMP in the Night
Well I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I really tried to be careful and prepare myself for it.

I walked into a wall the night before last and bumped my head on one of my three target spots. Dawg Goneit! See, I was anticipating it cuz, I am very clutzy by nature. Always have been. Ouch. So yesterday was kinda rough, funny but rough. Lots of codine. I knew it was going to happened but I kinda thought it might be closer to my incision on the top of my head.

So the good news is that my next door neighbor with the baricade, is selling her house. I can barely contain myself!!!

For those of you trying to add comments below my posts, its up and working again. Sorry for the delay.

Full day of work ! Beautiful day here!! Gonna go bike too!!!

 

Party Time

My husband keeps bugging me about every time he visits my journal here he sees, the foul mood sentence. So if I do not make a new entry today to make that shift down the page, he will not make me a Margarita later. Hmpf! Bribery!

My foul mood is gone! I just did not like the whole thing of getting my MRI. Most of it was my own creative brain at work. Throughout the week it did dissipate.

So yesterday brought good news and bad news. The good news is that the radiation is working. There is shrinkage. Now I will start the chemo again.


The bad news, which is not related to anything what so ever, but very important none the less, is that I will no longer be able to compete in the Bi-Annual Ackerman Family Ugliest Feet Contest. We have this during family reunions along with a few other family favorites. It is true, I have never won, but my feet have been ugly enough for me to be eligible to compete.

About a month ago my husband decided to take matters into his own hands. I mean is the guy a Renaissance man or what? He decided the ugly feet must go and bought all the tools[with the help & direction of some hot babes] and gave me a pedicure! Is that not unbelievable?? a guy doing that???[uhh, who is not gay??] Wow! This continued through the summer and may I say.....The freckled little toots are looking mighty fine!!!!

We had a wonderful day today. Had our old usual Saturday morning routine then went and played in the great weather. I am a huge tennis fan, having played later in college. So lots of US open viewing this week.

Both Larry and I are looking forward to getting back to a new kinda of normalcy and routine of sorts. Everyone keeps asking if I am painting again. Nope not yet. But I do plan to pick up a brush soon. I think at this point I will just be painting for friends and family. I have a sled I need to whip up for my sis-in-law. If you want something painted, let me know. Its a gift at this point as I am not sure if I can even still paint or not!!! I tried when I first got home and the stuff turned out really bad. I mean REALLY!

Writing this journal has been fun. I always feel so proud of myself when I learn how to do something new in cyberspace. But what began as something private is now shared by all kinds of people. Some whom we both know and others we do not. My dilemma has become do I keep writing my words for myself or out of a sense of responsibility for those that read my words? Many people arrive here via search engines and are also challenged by brain cancer. I caution those individuals. I am not an expert on this. I have only had this for roughly two months! This was to be about my private thoughts as I went through the various stages I will still be challenged by. Its not something I am just hanging out doing to fiddle fart around. A diversion. I have a pretty busy life full of responsibilities and am struggling currently to put myself first. I am just thinking out loud to myself. Plus its great therapy for my left hand! The typing is improving all the time!!

 

well, I am in a foul mood.Everyone knows to stay away from me when I get grumpy. Can't really pin in it on much of anything.

I found out that my three weeks of feeling yucky was based on food poisoning I got on a particularly hot day of eating a wet burrito at sleders. Shameful. Hard to believe. I confess that this will not stop me from ordering the same there again! Anyway, I was dutifully taking my anti-nausea medication at the time therefore the food poisoning could not get out. hmmm. So once we all figured that out Stuff went back to normal. Tomorrow is my last day of radiation. I will miss those delightful people. Larry has been bonding a bit too well with the doc and the radiologist team making them scads of cd's of that group he is so affixed to. Ugh. He's a generous person.

So all in all, the only side affects I have had is minor fatigue, loss of my knarly head hair, and temporary loss of taste. Not bad! Even though the treatments stop tomorrow, the effects continue for two more months.

So today I had my MRI I have been dreading this. Its a painless process its just you know....this is where My Moment of Truth occurs. This will tell us all how much bigger it has returned and at what speed it is growing. My doctor will tell me all about it on Friday. I am so excited. Not. My other doctor will decide when to put me back on chemo. It all sucks. The girl that loves change is getting bored. I need change.

I have been continuing to go through the boxes of treasures of my life. Today, I finally finished. What a chore. I made some great piles to send off to friends and hopefully share a good laugh or two. There were a few things I really cringed at dumping. All my University of Edinburgh data, as well as the impeccable, well organized Peace Corp data was difficult to dump. The Smithsonian had wanted my PCorp stuff but in the end, I just dumped it. Its like dumping your life out. It sucks too. But I am a pack rat. It had to go.

My cousin and his wife came up yesterday. They are always fun and interesting. His lovely wife Diane has just received two organ transplants. She looks beautiful and it was fascinating to hear of their journey and their CP moments. He is a councilman in the Detroit area so we enjoy hearing of his politics. We had a great Dinner ...or so they tell me..(little Miss can not taste diddly)....and a walk on the break water. We are so happy she is here with us all and so grateful to the 11 year old little boy (and his parents) who was an organ donor.

My! What a difference a few hours makes. Suddenly the boats were gone and the joy of summer play gone! The arrival of my favorite time was all around. Peace and quiet and a glorious sunset. I love September!

Saturday we went to our good friends in East Jordan. Tami and I have been good buds since J high, college roomies and then both serving as maids of honor for each other. It was great fun as we were not just hanging out with them but also their daughters(15 and 8). What great kids. I can not believe I missed all this great stuff in my life. SHIT! What was I thinking??? It's always a delight for both Larry and I to hang out with normal kids.We so appreciate them and its just fun!!!!

Tomorrow perhaps a little normalcy will return. Perhaps we can now be mobile for the first time in two months. Gheesh, Can't wait to get the stink blown off me!!!

 

due to my white blood cells being done I have not been able to go out and about. Hence my exciting news about a high school band. Its not like I was in it when I was a kid. I did play flute all through jh but when senior high rolled around well.....what a surprise, I caught my rebellious streak. I do still toot away though.
Anyway, I do want to write about CP moments [from the celestine prophecy] . This is a note to myself for perhaps tomarrow. I have not read the book myself but am aware of the basic concept and have much to comment on.

My last three weeks have been yucky. Last night was really bad. Nothing too dramatic or even worth mentioning. I am just so spoiled. I have never, ever really been sick in my life, so that when something like this happens I think to myself....."what the heck?????" So I am going to force myself to go back to sleep and get some catch up sleep.

My project of late has been cleaning out all my "stuff". Now any normal person has done this years ago but I am a little behind on this. By "stuff" I mean, all momentos from any and everywhere. Last time I did this I got rid of all my elementry stuff.
This time its all going. I have it all from jr high, sr, high and from when I lived in sweden, scotland, and central america. I thought it might be emotional to go through but alas it is not. It is fun and it is funny! Its alot of work. Yesterday I found this great letter I wrote one of my brothers on toilet papaer when I went to the university of edinburgh. Not normal toilet paper.Not good on the buttski at all. Nope. Ummm kinda like tissue paper. oh all right! Going to take my nap now! grrrrr I am not a naper. "now be a good girl beth anne" [i could write a long time on that topic...good girls...errrr]

 

The Real Miracle

~six more radiation treatments left to go. If nothing more I am excited just to get my sense of taste back!!! It's not that I am not hungry. I am. Its not that I can't smell it. Oh, I can! I just can't taste it.

~ the other great news is that the high school band has been out for a week now playing the school song and the fight song. These are priority songs ya know. Now some people may think I could be stuck in the past getting all excited and such about this but NOT. I don't want to go backwards. I just see it as reassurance that some things DO stay the same. In this day and age of school budget cuts... its good to still have a music program. But, for me it is also symbolic of the changing seasons. I love September. It's my favorite month of the year. The tourists have all gone and we get out town back until the leaves change color, then they come back. The bay is quiet again and its wonderful to go water skiing. Lots of glassey mornings.
So, I like to hear the marching band play. Not good though when they keep making the same errors!!!! :)

~What I forgot to write yesterday in my post about Miracles..duh..is that perhaps the other big miracle that has occured of late is that I have brain cancer!!!
Many wonderful things have happened to me surrounding this event. I have seen so many of my old buddies and pals. I have seen someone that I think I really needed to see that I had not seen in years. I could write a whole post on this but I won't . Too hard to write about. It has made me take stock of my accomplishments and well obviously my whole life from every angle. Hey! I am one lucky person!
I am the happiest mentally, emotionally then I have ever been. How many people get the opportunity to do that in such a " in your face way"?
And I think the best part about all of this, is that for so long all that went with being Dans Mom made me feel so ugly and embarrassed and ashamed. He was so good at transferring all that anger for his birth mom and all the terrible atrocities she and her boyfriend did to him unto me, that maybe I actually started to feel I did it. I seemed to give him no comfort though I know he did feel safe here and secure. And he must have felt safe that he could unleash it on me, but this is all another post. Anyway, I felt so ugly I did not want those I really cared about to see me and my ugliness. Now as I get back in touch with those I care about, and they remind me who I am, I am starting to remember who I am underneath all this crap I have been logging around. It's peeling away like an onion (but I smell better)! I think it is all worth it just to get back in touch with that authentic self. It's not good to lose yourself and its so easy to do nowadays. We forget who we are getting all caught up in everyday stuff. ugh. So I feel great!!! Please bear with me, lots of typos and stuff ... temporary short term memory loss. All that can work in my favor too! (*wink!!)

 

Miracles? or Miracle Whipped?


First of all I am not Miracle Whipped. Sorry I prefer Hellmann's. A great source of discourse in my family ...Miracle Whipped vs. Hellmann's.


Miracles. whew. What a topic! Do you believe in Miracles? Does one have to go to church every Sunday or whenever to believe in such? And what is considered a Miracle? Well I have no idea what the "rules" are, but I seem to have a great deal of extremely wonderful people who have told me they are praying for a Miracle for me. Some will send a card and include another little note "praying for a miracle", or a book or flowers...."hoping for a miracle". Now I am not sure how to take this. It's kinda funny. Umm, okay... Do they think I am a lost cause? Perhaps. But I don't look at it that way. If that were true, they really should have been kinda going in that direction all along, as in, from when I was first born...you know, praying for a miracle for me along!!! Then there is, of course the other slant on it, WOW, I mean WOW, they think I am actually worthy of a miracle!!! That is quite a compliment!!! Now I obviously think a miracle is a big deal or I would not connect it with worthiness and the like.

I agree. It is going to take a Miracle to get ole beth girl, out of the little adventure she has gotten herself into this time. That and a whole lot more!!!! Still smiling here.

But what these wonderful, kind, praying and wishful folks do not know is that Ole Beth has already had so many Miracles in her life she could barely hope for another. That would be greedy. And what's more in my opinion, it would mean that I am so blind I never appreciated the Miracles I have already had the extreme privilege of being blessed with. Gheesh! Now these are not happenings that I just decided were Miracles in the last 2 months. Nope, these were Miracles that I knew and realized what they were when they happened and I am not a Sunday Morning Church Goer at all.

Lets not mix Blessings with Miracles. After all my world wide traveling and living...t is of course a HUGE blessing that I was born with the parents and totally goofy brothers I have. It is a blessing to have such a huge and very cool, extended family and to live in a truly wonderful country. Sure it has a lot of broken dreams, poverty and imperfections but I would not trade it for a second. I still say its one of the best places on earth to be a citizen of.

When my dad moved us all north at the time of the Detroit riots that was a blessing. And I could go on and on. But these are not Miracles.They are Blessings.

I think my earliest remembrance of a miracle occurred when I was in Kindergarten or first grade. Not sure, my family doesn't talk of it much. My girl friend and I were going to have a picnic across the street. When we got there, there was a bunch of litter and broken glass on the really dry ground so we went on a little walk to find a new place. A gas station was bordering the field. We found a nice, cool, clean spot between the two rest rooms . A man pulled up in a red pick up and entered the men's room. He later came out and made a huge story …very sad, how he needed help and asked my girl friend to go in and help him. She refused and I did not. Shame on me Beth Anne. Never talk to strangers. The guy was a sexual pervert, of course. Before he caused any damage I made up a huge story of my own and started to fake cry ( note: this was waaaaaay before the Beautiful Crissy story mentioned in earlier entry!!!!!). and eventually escaped.

That was a Miracle! I didn't have any long term affects from that but it wasn't until I was in college I figured out why I would never go into a public restroom again. All those years of school and I never used a school rest room. Ahh no. They never caught the guy. The police came to our house and I looked at mug shot after mug shot and never saw him. Course I could tell you exactly what he looks like now but who cares? My family always made me feel safe and secure and that was a Miracle too.

When I was in the Peace Corp the 2nd country I served in was Guatemala. It was a time of great turbulence (isn't it always?), and I needed a tractor of mega scale to build a road. My program was fisheries so I was a little out of my realm as far as acquaintances etc. I kept getting the run around until I ended up in front of a guy who seemed fairly amused by my being there. I got in a huge fight with him and my smart assness took over. I mean gee he had 6 tractors just sitting there and it was "his people" that needed some roads. The fact that I had no idea how to build a road hardly seemed relevant. Anyway, off I went back to my town without a tractor. Or so I thought. The next morning the paper arrived along with instructions for all us volunteers to go to the designated safe place during potentially dangerous times. On the front of the paper was the guy I had talked to the day before. Umm, errr, the General was shown escorting the then President out of his office during a government coup/takeover. big guns pointing and all. Holy Toledo ! What was I thinking??? Clearly NOT. As I was reading the article, a substantial amount of noise was coming down the street, a tractor! A big one! A road making one! Now there could be several Miracles that occurred during this act. You decide. Much later during my stay, my affiliation with this guy lead me to have a machine gun not far from my nose, put on a Hit list and a short stay in jail as the local officials thought it was probably the only way to keep the Gringa Alicia safe. Definitely a Miracle there!

Another Miracle I remember was when I was out on my dads tractor at our cottage/deer camp. Not sure how old I was. I guess after I returned from the peace corp. I was in my own little Hee Haw Zone, cruising at speeds I had no business going. Suddenly I saw a barbed wire that I had had no idea was there. It had so scared me. I braked...very slow brakes. So shocked at almost ripping my head off at the speed I had been going I reached up to feel the distance between the wire and my neck. Less then an inch. That one was a really notable Miracle for sure.

I could list some more but running out of space and time.

It was a Miracle that brought me through the operation of two months ago. I was not expected to make it. Highly dangerous operation that a few doctors had already refused to do. It was a Miracle that I was not left paralized on my left side as they told me would happen if I was fortunate enough to make it through the operation. Its a Miracle that I have a husband who understands all this medical jargon and is so willing to put up with such a darned, goofy woman and patient. I am not a particularly easy person.

So in short...how could someone like me possibly ask or even wish for another Miracle???
But it is more then nice people care enough to pray for one.
Part of a post like this is CP moments. but no time today. It's nap time.

 

This and that

Larry told me yesterday if I get any nicer he's going to "puke." I tried to tell him that's what so great about having this is that I am feeling more like myself everyday. Now would that be BT or BD?

I really don't want to write about all my health issues. That's what Larry does on his update list. And yet, I guess if I am using this place as a journal and describing some of the emotional stuff I am going through, I may have to share some of the medical stuff. In short, white bloods cells down again, back to the shots and sticking on radiation. Still no major side affects to speak of.

At the beginning of the week we decided to not make any social arrangements as we just needed to chill out and relax. Too much go go and yack yack . This is our anniversary week (of the 2nd wedding! Now there's a story) so it seemed like a good idea. However, it has already gotten away from us. Ashleigh left for college today we wanted to get together for lunch before she left so we did that yesterday.Wow, she amazes me. She's kinda a favorite of mine as she has always been such a little smart ass like me. She however, has grown up where I never quite grew out of my attitude. She had to Drive Miss Daisy around and it was fun in all the fudgie traffic. She did well with me attempting to break in the passengers seat. I dunno though, she seems to be a Dead Head like her uncle. Speaking of which he burned over 15 CD's for my radiologist. Yes! Good Gawd! The guy frying my brain every day is a Dead Head too. In exchange, he lent Larry a 4 hour video CD of a concert. So I am having a productive afternoon and some quality "me" time.

We went out with some newer friends yesterday afternoon. They took us out in their yacht! Oh, all right, in their boat. It was very nice. They have retired to Traverse and were very interested in knowing a little more about the area from the water view, history etc. So off we went. Larry not being from here could only offer a little. Most of my knowledge covers "my bay", the other bay! However, they were interested in the residential section. I was able to tell them who lived where, but only to a point. The huge houses that are now way out on the peninsula, I haven't a clue. Who or where they came from. "Where do they work"? They wanted to know? Gheesh maybe they don't have to.

So we had a great afternoon. Larry kinda got lost in his zone of relaxing which I think was perhaps needed and as usual I yacked up a storm. Our(Larry’s really) one cat had to go to the great tuna bowl in the sky yesterday. A bummer, but needed. He got Mad Cat Disease.

Hope I can be anti-social the rest of the week. Oh wait, Tami is on my track so we shall see. She, I can tell I am busy doing nothing and will understand. Off to my kid doctor. He's the one with combat boots and spikes. Let's see what I can teach him today!

 

The shaved head

I guess it was a week ago friday that I had Larry shave my hair. It was not as bad as I think most people think it is. My hair was not falling out in clumps as some would leave you to believe. My hair was shoulder length and was really drivng me bonkers as some of the symptoms of the tumor were really affecting my hair over the last several months. Drove me crazy. After the tumors removal, the Barb Machine took it upon herself to get my hair done by her own stylist...la de da, to look like every girly girls dream, rosie o'donnell. so once it started to kinda thin out I had Larry buzz it. It feels much , much better. And I really do not mind. I wear mostly baseball caps and/or bandannas. The difficult part is how others that know you react. So you just reassure them your fine, then they become so too. No biggie!!


I just had to post this great letter that my friend Brian, who lives in Seattle, sent me on Friday with the two photos in the right column, of his now bald/shaved head. I should preface this by saying that at a recent gathering at a friends house he brought out some razors and shaving cream and stated that right then and there he was going to shave his head. Knowing Brian was going to be there, I had been working on a real good practical joke to pull on him, but got distracted and forgot about it. Since third grade he and I have had this on going jokester thing going. He is brilliant, an attorney, who of couse, can always out prank/tease me! I knew he would not follow through on it, but none the less, I thought it was so sweet he would still try to run one by me!! (I admit I got a little gushy!!)
So here is his email(I am still laughing) with the subject line being:

Beth & Larry are Evil

First of all, take this in the perverted spirit it was intended and do not open the attachments until you
> have read his. Also, I want laughfter, not tears. Tears bug me.
>
> What a couple conniving, mean spirited, guilt peddling
> maroons you two are. Larry, Beth will be the first to
> tell you that I am not a "kind" human being. I play
> more practical jokes and often don't always tell the
> whole truth in order to trick someone into feeling
> silly. Beth will also admit that our friendship over
> the last thirty some years has never been what one
> might describe as cuddly. We pick on each other, we
> make sarcastic remarks toward one another and we are
> usually both very leary as to what the other one is up
> to. So when I sent that message about shaving my head
> I expected a response from her along the lines of:
> "Ritchie, you stupid moron! No way in Hell do you do
> that!" I did not expect an outpouring of gratitude.
>
> Instead, you guys took that little tidbit of
> information I innocently spilled sitting in your
> backyard plied out of me by you under the guise of
> "Here's a Margarita, Brian, let's sit down and have a
> little chat." Why in the world did I ever mention
> that I grew up Catholic? Even more so, how in the
> world did you know that there was still a miniscule
> speck of that old Catholic guilt syndrome still
> festering away in my cold black heart?
>
> Just exactly how long did it take you to compose that
> evil little missive designed to ignite that little
> ember and make me feel like a great big stinking turd?
> I can just imagine Beth chuckling away while telling
> Larry just where to pick at me where I am most
> vulnerable. I hope you two enjoyed yourselves
> thoroughly at my expense.
>
> The thing is, I didn't realize your wicked intent
> until after the fact when I went back and read my
> previous message and there it was. All I said was
> that "I'm going to... ...go home and shave my head
> too." It was only after it was too late that I
> realized Beth had seen through my little joke and
> began to connive against me.
>
> So a week later I get this message, ostensibly from
> only Larry, going on about how special my "actions"
> were and how wonderful of a "gesture" it was and how
> Beth cried and how I even had a soul of all things!!!
> and that to top it all off stating that he had shared
> this gesture with family and friends. So as I sat
> there reading and fiddling with THE FULL HEAD OF HAIR
> STILL ON MY SCALP, that guilt-plagued little Catholic
> boy I had banished away long ago began to grow and
> grow. I hadn't shaved my head, dammit!!! The
> Catholic guilt thing began to consume me. I haven't
> seen the movie yet but I can describe it as something
> like when Bill Bixby began to turn into Lou Ferigno as
> The Incredible Hulk. It really was that horrific.
> Your evil plan was working.
>
> But reason began to prevail and I started thinking of
> options. "Screw that guilt thing" I said to myself
> and I began to try and figure out how to wiggle free
> from this situation I erroneously thought I had put
> myself into.
>
> Option #1
> In my message, I said I was going to send a picture,
> so that had to be dealt with. I called the costume
> supply store and they had two different bald head
> caps. The first was only a couple bucks but she said
> it would look like something out of a cheap Saturday
> Night Live skit. The other one was $12 and came with
> some make-up so that you could blend the cap into the
> color of your own skin and it looked quite realistic
> particularly if the picture was taken at a distance
> and not in the best light. $12 and I was out of a
> jam! Hoo ha! But then I realized that my dad is coming
> out here in a month and he likes Beth more than he
> does me and he would squeal on me. Damn it.
>
> Option #2
> I could write and fess up. But that would have meant
> that I would have to actually apologize to Beth for
> making her cry for absolutely no reason and having
> false feelings of gratitude toward me. Even worse was
> the very real fear that I felt creeping up my spine
> thinking about how Beth would plot to get back at me
> in some demonic fashion. I would always be looking
> over my shoulder and not be able to sleep at night. I
> would be fearful that one day there would be some
> venomous creature placed in my mailbox ready to bite.
> Oh no, I could not let her have the satisfaction of
> seeing me apologize wrry away my days while she
> figured out how to get revenge on that as well as the
> Marines thing, and then have every justification and
> the blessing of every single person we both know
> (including my wife) to get back at me.
>
> There was only one option left.
>
> So congratulations to both of you. I might have
> suspected Beth of being capable of getting the better
> of me, but not you Larry. I guess I don't know you
> well enough yet. I can say you would have made a darn
> good Catholic priest. While I am 100% positive that
> you have no prediliction for altar boys, you sure can
> make an ex-Catholic feel guilty about something he
> isn't even guilty of and then go atone for uncommitted
> sins.
>
> Other than that, I hope you are both doing well.
>
> As always,
>
> Love, Brian

Larrys initial letter to Brian which posted all this wonderful activity is as follows:
Dear Brian,
> >
> > I do not know if Beth has found the time to respond
> > to your "action"
> > letter...I know she wants to....but this is my own
> > personal reply to you.
> >
> > When your letter arrived, I shared your words with
> > her shortly after the
> > letter arrived.
> >
> > Now, I don't want you to get all melancholy
> > here...but your words went
> > directly to the heart of her. The tears just ran
> > unabated....she understands
> > just where this comes from in you...from your own
> > deep knowing "old soul" of
> > yours.
> >
> > The very special friendship that you have shared
> > with her from childhood
> > until now is something very special. I am so happy
> > that you both have this
> > in your lives.
> >
> > Since you and Susan have left, I have seen many of
> > Beth's lifelong friends.
> > They are all so wonderful....so special...I am
> > honored that I can share some
> > thoughts with each of you.
> >
> > This gesture of yours goes beyond my ability to
> > articulate...to really
> > express how much love you have given to Beth by your
> > actions. I have shared
> > this event with some of my closest family and
> > friends, you would be amazed
> > at how much your act has touched so many you do not
> > know.
> >
> > Thank You Brian...for being the human being that you
> > are. May your life be
> > continually blessed by all the angels that we know.
> >
> > From the heart of me,
> > Larry

 

cha- cha- changes

(this is my third attempt at writing this journal entry. Apparently my brain is changing as each time I accidentally deleted it..hmpf!!!)

Change has been on my mind allot lately. Gee, I wonder why? You go in for a simple test, and your life and the lives of those around you change forever. That aside! .....I love change.

The last week and a half has been up and down as far as my treatments go. My white blood cells have been going down which does show the radiation to be working. White blood cells are the ones that fight infection and disease. However, they do have to be at a certain number level in order for me to be able to take chemo. So off the chemo I came and then they went so low, I had to stop radiation for two days. During this time I went through a small series of shots to get the cells back to normal and beyond!!! Which of course did happen and now I am back on both treatments again. We keep this a deep, shrouded secret as I don't want Barb to know or the bro's or my in laws. It makes them all worry and they really don't need to waste any energy on this.

While all this is going on more and more visitors. I love visitors. Family, friends, neighbors, Do-Gooders (people I have no idea who they are) etc.Friends of other family members that I hardly know. People I have not seen for many years. I have become, drum roll....... "Queen for the Day".

But, life is not the same. I can not keep the pace I used to thrive on.( I'm pretty much a "type A" personality.) They say this will pass but I am not always known for my patience, especially with myself. And it's pretty rough on Larry too. Part of being King and Queen for the day is getting the palace ready. It has not been cleaned since January....straightened up, but not deep cleaned. Another aspect is that your both the center of attention, information(how this all happened. so you repeat it over and over.) and the hosts. Being hosts can mean ...food, beverages, tours of town, restraunts, preparing a room and for Larry being taken aside and asked "well, how much time do you guys have?" My smart ass reply would be," well, how much do you have? Man, I better clean it up or I am gonna burn in hell. Throw in it for me, new shots, coming off treatments , going back on treatments, attempting to follow through on my normal day to day to day responsibilities, a few new responsibilities and you have one new member of the Goo Goo Dolls!!

Now for Larry, he has all kinds of new responsibilities, Driving Miss Daisy here and there, Medicine Man ( he loves this one. I wonder if he used to fiddle fart around with his Flintstone vitamins like he does my meds!), Information Minister of the Kingdom (phone calls, juggling social stuff, medical appointments, emails,) Hair Stylist( I call him "Lawerencio".."who did your hair?" asks the Barb Machine? "oh a new guy, Sir Lawrenceio down the street"...took her a while to catch on to that one!!!!) Make up Man (possibly in the future, God help me) and just picking up all the things that I used to do but am just too slow at moving to get it done. A journal entry needs to be done just on Larry. I have purposefully not written about Larry. I am just not ready to do it at this time.

So yes, the last several weeks have been full of socializing. We had one couple come and stay with us for three days. They came from Wisconsin. Eddie wanted to come and do a Reiki Healing thinging jiggy on me. It was so kind of him and very relaxing. What a gentle old soul he is. By the first day of their visit I was so exhausted emotionally from all the visits and my gabbing the week prior, and following, I was talking gibberish. ( no comments from the peanut gallery! )They stayed here much to my surprise as we had thought they were going to stay in a hotel. I had nothing prepared and felt like a real rude hostess. I know better and was raised a zillion times better. So off they went and in came a new group.

Its not that I am not enjoying this or am not gracious. I love this stuff. It's just I don't always have both oars in the water, all my letters on the marquee, dealing with a full deck, the lights are not always on...ya know??

In comes this guy I have known from junior/senior high school. You know the kinda guy that is too cool for a girl like me to approach. The kinda guy girls like me used to pine over [yes, that's the word] waiting for him to talk to you, look at you, noticing would be good too!! LOL . Now I get noticed. Not sure why? Does the guy feel sorry for me? Think I am dying so wants to say good bye? Just plain and simple wants to be nice?

So there I am all steroided up(lots of new weight), no hair, doped up, short term memory nowhere to be found,(temporary side affect from radiation...now what was I trying to say??) seeing this guy for the first time in what..20 years?. Real nice. Yep. Just the way you want to present yourself to a guy like that. My vanity aside, it was extraordinarily generous and kind of him to visit me. He's all grown up and not the kinda guy now that is too cool to sit around and shoot the breeze with some doped up, bald lady like me. Lots of smiles and laughter and there is no better gift then that and no better medicine.

I guess I have gotten way off my topic of Changes but not really. What I wanted to get to is that so many visitors, most our friends, have been talking about their ages and the need for a "change" or that they are going through a life altering change. Lots putting their parent(s) in a nursing home, contemplating one last child, divorce, career move, geographic move, moving back home, adding a pet and so forth. Great discussion about the fear of change. How they dislike change or some that have even gone through the process of descion making to the point that they have stated that due to their fear of change or "rocking the boat" they will make no changes.

As I said before I love change. I thrive on it. For me change means new growth, adventure and possible new enlightenment as an individual. Larry is the complete opposite. And I completely understand his reasons and respect them. He has come a long way since we met. Remember the episode where Laura changes the furniture on Rob(Dick Van Dyke) and he trips over the foot stool? Well, I change the furniture so much that this has happened many times to Larry!!!

When I was a little girl my Dad used to ask me every day."beth Anne what did you learn today?" not like, what did you learn in school, but what did you learn in life today? So when I went off to college I made this poster that said just that...beth Anne, what did you learn today? I taped it over my bed every place I lived there after, even in the peace corp. But once I got back from the peace corp it was pretty engrained into the person I had become and I no longer needed the poster. As time went on I constantly put myself in situations where change was eminent. Jobs where promotions dangled in front of me, or personal challenges that were adventurous, rewarding and fun with a little cutting edge mixed in. I guess I was always pushing myself so that I would learn more about myself and those and life around me. Even marrying Larry was beyond my personal "normal scope". Many attempting to talk me out of marrying him. Perhaps they were not ready for the change that my marrying him would cause them as well.


So much talk of change, the compromising of our own dreams and likes and wants for sometimes, the safest way to go or to make others happy when we aren't even really sure they are. You know, that place in middle age when things don't feel right in our hearts but the culture/environment in which we now live tells us this is the "smart" choice. Give me a break here with my jibberish. I get allot of material from clients! :)

So for the first time, I have not gone with the gamble, or the high adventure. Why bother, aren't I already in the adventure of my life? I am not going for the brain tumor centers, the second opinion or third. I am going exactly with what has been presented to me. I don't know how these doctors were chosen. It was not by Larry or myself. It's like a blanket that has enveloped me and I am trusting it.

So I guess my final thought about change is that it seems like sometimes we have to change so things can stay the same.
I think of my brother Mark and his wife Kim. I think of all the changes they have made in their lives, careers, geographic locations so that their Marcus could have the same upbringing as them. Not the whole thing of "keeping up with the Jones". Of course it is not exactly the same. He goes to a charter school. Its the kind of school where there is no janitor. The kids keep the school clean. No school buses , mom and dad and carpools log him around.They live in the house we grew up in. He has forts in the same woods that we did. Looks for Polly wogs on the same beach all summer, gets ice cream at the same mom and pop place we did etc. This is good isn't it? We didn't turn out that warped.

~~~~~~~~~~
Enough rambling! heh!

Not a great day here. The cat across the street brought me a baby bunny , course it's still alive. Now what do I do with that little sweetie of a naughty Peter Rabbit? And our Sparky is really not well. And to think I wanted 12 runny nose boys?? I can hardly help these little critters!!

So I hear my Dad asking me that great question......and all I can say is,"Dad, my day is not over yet, I am still learning!!!! "